Evolution Of A Woman

They got out of the car, Liz waiting for Oded to walk around to her side. She took that moment to size him up a little. He was well over six feet tall, so he towered over her. He was wearing black jeans and a blue button down shirt with a black t-shirt under it. She usually didn’t like people who wore black, it seemed depressing to her, but Oded looked good in black. It accentuated his dark hair and eyes. He caught her staring at him.
“What?”
“You look good,” she replied, hoping she wasn’t drooling too much.
He laughed a little self-consciously. “Thanks.” He paused. “You look very good yourself.” He unabashedly looked her up and down with those dark eyes. Suddenly Liz felt like she had no clothes on, and she felt a flush rise in her cheeks. She turned and headed for the door of the restaurant, trying to get her composure. God, she was rusty at this! He followed her to the door, where he snaked an arm around her and opened the door for her.
The inside of the Oasis was dark. It was darkly lit, and dark, rough sawn wood lined the walls. The wood was burned with numerous cattle brands. Liz glanced at the “please seat yourself” sign, then led them to a booth toward the back. As she did, she noticed the people at the other tables staring at them. She felt her stress level go up a notch. When they reached the booth, she asked Oded, “Does this work for you?”
“Sure,” he replied, also noticing the stares from the surrounding tables. They slid into the booth. Immediately a tired-looking waitress appeared, placing two glasses of water and two menus on the table. She rattled off the specials, then left to give them a minute to decide.
Oded leaned over the table and quietly asked Liz, “What is with all the stares?”
“I’m sorry,” she replied. She was beginning to wonder if bringing an obvious out-of-towner to a local hang-out was such a good idea. “This is just where all the locals go, and you’re obviously not a local, so they are checking you out.”
“What do you mean, ‘obviously not a local’?”
Liz smiled. “Well, you really don’t look like a rancher. You’re not over sixty and wearing a John Deere cap, Carhartt coveralls, and cowboy boots.” She paused. “And we didn’t pull up in a 20-year-old Ford pickup pulling a horse trailer.” He smiled a little. She continued. “All the out-of-towners have their own restaurants, where they are called bistros and serve buffalo, emu, trout and such.” Her smile faded. “Does this make you too uncomfortable? Because we can go somewhere else, if you’d like.”
His smile broadened. “No, I’ll get over it. It’s just a little weird.”
“Oh, they’re harmless. You’re just making good hearsay. You’ll probably show up in the gossip column of the local newspaper next week, however.” This time they both smiled.

Everything went fine until they ordered their meals. The tired-looking waitress was back, chewing a fairly large wad of gum. Liz had recommended to Oded the prime rib, which she was really looking forward to herself. When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, he ordered an imported beer. Liz ordered iced tea. Oded gave her a puzzled look. “Are you sure you don’t want a nice glass of wine or something?” Liz got a little uncomfortable, always dreading these moments. “No, iced tea is fine, thanks.”
“Are you sure? We’re going all out here,” he said with a smile. She declined again. The waitress, satisfied that both had made up their minds, invited them to help themselves to the salad bar and left.
Oded was still looking at her, so Liz took a deep breath and plunged in. These moments were always uncomfortable, but soonest begun, soonest done, and all that.
“Uh, Oded, I probably ought to tell you something about myself.” His look of puzzlement turned to a look of concern.
“I don’t drink because I’m an alcoholic.” She could tell by the look on his face that the third eye had appeared in the middle of her forehead again. It usually popped up when she told people she was an alcoholic.
“You’re an alcoholic?” he asked in disbelief.
Liz nodded. “You know, you might want to close your mouth before you catch a fly.”
Oded closed his mouth with a snap and turned red. “Oh, god, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…. It’s just that…You don’t seem…” Liz touched his hand with hers and smiled. “It’s ok. Don’t worry about it.”
“Oh, god, does it bother you that I ordered a beer? Because I can order something else…” He was already trying to get the waitress’s attention.
“Oded, don’t worry about it.” She got him to turn his attention back to her. “Don’t worry about it,” she repeated. “It doesn’t bother me. And even if it did, I would let you know. It’s ok. Really.” She smiled at his panicked look.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.” He relaxed a little.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that I always thought of alcoholics as homeless people with bottles in brown paper bags.” He thought of what he just said, then added, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.”
Liz laughed. “That’s ok. I always thought that’s what alcoholics were, too.”
He relaxed a little bit more. “I’m sorry. I guess I’ve never known an alcoholic before.”
“Oh, you probably do, you just don’t know it. And quit saying you’re sorry. It’s not a big deal.”
“Alright,” he replied, still looking a little doubtful. Liz decided to change the subject. “Hell, you know I’m an alcoholic, and I don’t even know your last name.” That caught him off guard, and he laughed.
“Fehr,” he replied.
“Where are you from?”
“I was born and raised in Israel, then I lived in Germany for two years, then I lived in England for about 5 years.”
She smiled. “Oh, no wonder I couldn’t figure out the accent.” He returned her smile.
“Yes, it’s a bit of a mish-mash.”
“Bet you never figured you’d end up in Montana, huh?”
Oded laughed. “I had never even heard of Montana until moving to the States.”
“Well, I guess it goes both ways, because I never figured I’d be sitting here in my favorite restaurant having dinner with an actor from Israel.” This time they both laughed.

After the episode with the alcohol, the dinner went much more smoothly. By the time their meals came, both of their anxiety levels seemed to lower as they got to know each other, asking the usual questions people ask on their first date. Oded talked about growing up in Israel. She could tell from the fond look on his face that he was proud to call it home. She imagined that a similar look was on her own face when she talked about Montana. She began to realize that although they came from different parts of the world, they were alike in the things that mattered, like their philosophies on life. They both had a positive and inquisitive view of the world around them. They liked to learn new things. She found that he stimulated her intellectually even more than he stimulated her physically, if that was possible. That intense look in his eyes and the set of his body told her that he was really listening to what she said. It was almost like he was drinking her in. It was that look more than anything that turned her on something terrible. And she hadn’t laughed this much with anybody except for when she was with her mother, who she was very close to. She never figured on finding someone who understood what she was talking about as much. It had gotten to the point where Liz and her mother almost had their own language. When she involuntarily spoke some of this language to Oded, he understood the majority of it, which really blew her mind.

They talked about their pasts briefly. Oded asked her if she had ever been married. She talked about Tony a little, who she had had a common law marriage with. She glossed over the rough parts, like the dumpster diving. She figured she had given him enough shocking information for one night, and didn’t want to overload the poor guy. He volunteered that he had been married at a young age, and it hadn’t lasted very long. He had stated that it had been romantic, but not very realistic. Liz could relate to that. He said that he and his wife had done some counselling to try and save their marriage, but instead it made them realize the mistake that they had made. His now ex-wife was still living in Germany, and they remained friends, staying in contact once in a while. The counselling explained to Liz how he understood the language that she spoke, because that was where she had learned it. And she was impressed with the fact that he could be friends with his ex-wife. That showed that he probably wasn’t carrying a lot of baggage around with him, which she certainly didn’t need.

During the middle of dinner, the waitress came to their table and asked Oded if he would like another beer. He shot a guilty look to Liz, who smiled and waved her hand at him.
“Don’t worry about it,” she said. So he ordered another one. However, he ended up only drinking about half the bottle. He looked at the bottle and explained, “I better quit. I’m starting to feel it a little.” Then he looked at Liz, worried. “Does it bother you that I drank so much?” He paused. “I mean, do you think I’m an alcoholic now?”
Liz laughed at his naivity. “No, I don’t think you’re an alcoholic. Alcoholics don’t leave a half a bottle of beer on the table. And they don’t quit when they get a little bit of a buzz. That’s when they’re just getting started.” Oded just looked at her, not comprehending such an attitude at all.
“Look, being an alcoholic isn’t that big of a deal. A lot of people compare it to being a diabetic. Diabetics can’t have sugar, alcoholics can’t have alcohol. It’s not a moral weakness or a personality flaw. It’s just a disease.” He seemed to understand that concept a little.
A little while later, Liz pulled herself away from their conversation and looked at her watch. “Oh my god, we’ve been here for two hours!” Oded looked startled, then looked at his own watch. Then they each looked at the scattering of empty plates on the table. She glanced around the restaurant, which was still fairly busy.
“I suppose we probably ought to get out of here so they can have the table, huh?” she asked.
“Sure.”
Oded pulled some tip money out of his wallet and tossed it on the table, then they walked up to the front of the restaurant where the cash register was. As he was paying the bill, Liz stood slightly behind him, enjoying the view and unabashedly sizing up his body. She was very impressed. While at work, he was always wearing those flowing robes, so it was hard to tell what his body was really like. But now she could see the nice V that was formed by his broad shoulders and narrow waist, tapering down to a very nice, muscular ass. Liz was deep into these thoughts when she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She turned around, a little guiltily, to see her friend Shelley standing there.
“Shell!” she cried, and they gave each other a big hug.
“Hey, Liz! How the hell are ya?”
“I’m doing real good. How are you doing?”
“Good. What are you doing in town? I thought you were in LA.”
Liz noticed out of the corner of her eye that Oded had finished paying and had turned around to look at them.
“Oh, I’m still living there, but believe it or not, the project I’m working on is being filmed out here.”
Liz noticed Shelley’s eyes shift to Oded. “Oh, sorry,” she said. “I’m terrible with introductions.” She turned to him. “Oded, this is my friend Shelley. Shell, this is Oded.” They shook hands and did their pleased-to-meet-you’s. Shelley turned back to Liz.
“So, how long are you in town for?”
“Probably most of the summer. ‘Depends on how shooting goes.”
“You’ll have to drop in on a meeting sometime and say ‘hi’ to everyone.”
“Oh yes, I plan on doing that. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Shelley looked Oded up and down, then turned to Liz.
“Well, I’ll let you two go now,” she said with a smile. “Nice to meet you, Oded.” He smiled back at her. She walked up to the register with her bill.
“See you later, Shell,” Liz said, then followed Oded out the door.

As they walked to the car, Oded said, “Shelley seems nice.”
“Ya, she’s great,” Liz replied.
“What was she saying about meetings?” They had reached the car and were standing next to it.
“Well, I’m really not supposed to say, because it’s anonymous, but I know Shelley doesn’t mind, so I guess it’s ok.” She paused, observing his puzzled glance. “She’s an alcoholic also, and the meetings are AA meetings. You know, Alcoholics Anonymous?”
Oded got a little flustered again. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“It’s ok. She said it in front of you. She knows I don’t mind people knowing, either. You weren’t prying.”
“So, do you go to these meetings often?”
“Oh, I try to go a couple times a week, but I haven’t been able to since I got here because we’ve been working so late. I’ll probably go to a meeting here before too long.”
Oded smiled. “God, I’ve met two alcoholics in one day!”
Liz gave him a conspirator’s smile. “Ya, we’re everywhere!” He laughed. They both drew back from each other enough to notice the day. He looked at his watch. “It’s only about 8 o’clock. What would you like to do now?”
She thought about it for a minute, looking around the area. “Well, there’s plenty of daylight left. I could give you the guided car tour of the area, drive around, see the sights, that type of thing. I wouldn’t mind seeing what’s changed since I moved away.”
“That’s a good idea.”
Liz gave him an evil little smile. “Do you want to drive, or do you want me to drive?” Oded gave her his dirty look again, then pulled the car keys from the front pocket of his jeans and gave them to her. She laughed, walking around to the driver’s side of the car. She couldn’t help but notice the warmth of the keys in her hand, and knowing where that warmth came from. God, it didn’t take much to make her horny.

As she pulled the Audi into the street, Oded opened up the center console and began to dig around in it. She wasn’t too surprised to see him bring out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She had noticed earlier that the car smelled like smoke, but since it was a rental, she wasn’t sure if it was him or not. She didn’t really mind smokers, her mom was a smoker. She knew that it was an addiction, and she understood addictions. She knew several people who had quit smoking and had said that it was harder than quitting heroine. So she cut him some slack. He pointed to the pack. “Do you mind?”
“No, go ahead,” she replied. It wasn’t long after he lit up that her eyes started to burn, but she didn’t say anything.
Still, Liz enjoyed showing off what she still thought of as her home to him. She had always liked to take visiting friends around the countryside, telling local historical facts and tall tales. Actually, tall tales were more fun to her, seeing how much she could stretch the truth before the other person called her on her bullshit. And she was no different with Oded. She soon discovered, however, that it didn’t take long for him to catch on to her stories, and began to counter with his own. She really enjoyed this intellectual swordplay. It wasn’t done in meanness or sarcasm, which she had seen people do before. It was crafty, almost like a debate. She hated to have a battle of the wits with an unarmed person, and he definitely was not unarmed.

She started the tour in the old section of town, driving by all the old restored Victorian houses. She wound her way through the rest of the town, almost randomly turning here and there, pointing out things of interest. Eventually, they ended up on the outskirts of town. She then drove them through the farmland, then into the foothills, and finally zig-zagged up the dirt roads into the mountains, until she stopped at the top of a mountain overlooking the town and the valley. Liz pulled into a scenic turnout and parked. She and Oded got out and went around to the front of the car, leaning against the hood. He had that intense look on his face as he took in the scenery. She had never seen anyone with such a vibrant awareness of their surroundings before. He made everyone else seem like they were about half asleep. His attitude made her feel more alive and aware herself, and she realized that she hadn’t felt that way in a long time. He asked her all kinds of questions, about where her house was, and where the Oasis was, and which direction the location of the shoot was. She pointed them all out to him. They also both enjoyed nature, so she pointed out all the wildflowers that were just beginning to come out, and the songbirds that they were hearing. He commented on the clean smell of the air, freshened with the scent of the nearby pines. Liz enjoyed having such an enthusiastic audience.

They continued to sit on the hood and discuss all manner of things. Then the sun began to set. As it went behind the far mountains, which still had some snow on their tops, it lit up the sky in brilliant oranges and pinks. The mountains themselves darkened until they were purple, with the patches of snow showing up even more until they looked like they glowed with their own light. A few scattered clouds hovered above the setting sun, their bottoms turning an almost flourescent pink. The rays of the sun broke through some holes in the clouds, creating dusty yellow streaks that ran the whole distance of the sky, which was still a bright blue. It looked as if the entire world was on fire. A white jet trail ran a jagged course across it, looking like a tear in the fabric of the sky.
“Not bad, huh?” Liz asked. Oded sat there, slack-jawed.
“My god, what an understatement. It’s beautiful!”
She smiled. “That’s why they call this Big Sky Country.” He tore his gaze away from the sunset and looked at her. “Why did you ever leave such a beautiful area for Los Angeles, of all places?”
Her smile faded. Looking a little sad, she replied, “The mountains are beautiful, but you can’t eat them.”
“Excuse me?”
“Unfortunately, you pay a price to live here. The economy isn’t real great, and wages are the lowest in the whole country. That’s why I ended up going back to school. I realized I was never going to make enough money to buy a new car, or buy a home.” She paused. “I was basically tired of starving to death. The only way to make any sort of living was to get a degree in something and, unfortunately, move out of state.”
“That’s a shame.”
“Yes, it is.” She brightened. “But, when I win the lottery, I’ll come back here and build a nice expensive home.” He laughed. They were silent for a moment.
“It seems like a nice town,” he said, turning serious. Liz nodded.
“It’s changed a lot since I was a kid. It used to be just another cow town. But then rich out-of-staters and celebrities found the area, and now it’s kind of like a secondary Vail.”
“Is that a bad thing or a good thing?”
Liz thought about it for a minute. “I don’t know. They bring a lot of money to the economy, but they’ve also raised land prices. It’s created an interesting dichotomy.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, on the same block on Main Street, you have a greasy spoon like the Oasis, then a couple doors down there’s a upscale clothing store that sells ostrich leather cowboy boots.” She paused. “Another good example is the annual fund-raising auction that the environmentalists have to save the buffalo in Yellowstone Park on one weekend, and the annual Testicle Festival that the ranchers hold the next weekend.”
“The what?!”
“What, Testicle Festival?”
Oded asked, “What the hell is that?”
Liz smiled. “Have you ever heard of Rocky Mountain oysters?”
“I think I’ve heard the term, but I don’t know what it is.”
“Well, every year the ranchers cut most of the bull calves, you know, castrate them? The testicles are a delicacy. All the ranchers get together after they’ve done all their herds and have this festival. You bread the testicles, then deep fat fry them.” Oded managed to look both pained and nauseous at the same time. He thought about it for a minute.
“You’re not serious. This is one of your tall tales, right?”
Liz laughed. “No, really! They really do this!”
He still looked doubtful. “So, have you ever eaten these Rocky Mountain oysters?”
“No, I never got the courage up. My grandfather loves them though. I grew up on a ranch, so I watched them cut them. I know where those things come from. That’s a little too much information for me. But Pop would cut them in the morning, and eat them in the evening for dinner.”
He was turning a little green at the idea. “I think that’s a little too much information for me, too.”
Liz smiled. “Sorry.” But she didn’t look too sorry.
“Anyway, that kind of tells you the two sides to the town. You have the natives on one side and the out-of-towners on the other. And they don’t mix very often. I guess you figured that out by the looks you were getting in the restaurant.”
“Is there ever any serious trouble between the two groups?” he asked, perhaps thinking of those stares.
“No, not really. It’s mostly just an undercurrent of sarcasm and bad jokes.”
“Oh,” he replied. He was silent for a minute. He gave Liz a mistrustful glance. “You really are pulling my leg, aren’t you, about this Testicle Festival?”
She laughed. “’Swear to God, I’m not! Ask anyone around town.”
“I’ll be sure to do that.”

They sat in silence for a while, still watching the sunset. Oded sat with his hands folded in his lap, his long legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles, a small smile on his face. Liz sat on the hood with her feet on the bumper, her arms wrapped around her knees, with a similar smile. A slight breeze brought the smell of him to her. The sweet, musky smell of his cologne mixed with his own scent to make something all its own. She had forgotten how good a man could smell. She swore she could smell testosterone.

Then they turned and looked at each other. Liz’s stomach flip-flopped as she realized that the time had come. The tension and electricity between them was almost palpable. He started to lean toward her. As his face grew larger in her vision, she relished the anticipation. She glanced at each feature of his face, feeling her heart pound in her chest: his dark, wavy hair, moving a little in the breeze, his cheeks, with those deep dimples, his dark eyes, which she realized were an incredible shade of chestnut. She focused on his full lips, wondering if they were as soft as they looked. Then he was kissing her, and she found out that they were. His lips pressed against and then cupped hers, then he parted his lips and slipped his tongue into her mouth. She felt four years of sexual frustrations come roaring up at once as she felt the texture of his tongue with her own. She had forgotten about all the different nuances of a man, and was now beginning to remember them. She could hear him breathe, and even that turned her on, realizing that he was real, that this was really happening. He brought one of his hands up and gently cupped her neck and jaw. She felt the warmth of his hand on her skin. With his hand he made their kiss a little harder, driving his tongue a little deeper. She leaned further toward him, adding her own passion. The individual hairs of his beard and moustache tickled and pricked her skin. What she thought was a torrent of sexual tension and electricity quickly turned into a flash flood. She felt her face flush and turn hot. He stroked her tongue a few more times, occasionally encircling it with his own, then drew back a little, grasping her lower lip with his lips and tugging lightly before letting go. He withdrew his hand, sliding his fingertips along her jawline as he did. Liz thought she was going to have a complete meltdown.
“Oh boy,” she whispered, licking her lips.
“No kidding,” he replied, clearing his throat a little. They both sat up slowly, smiling and a little dazed. Oded casually slipped his arm around her waist. She slid closer to him, until her side was touching his. They stayed that way, watching the day finish and the night come out. They picked up their conversation again, which wandered to all sorts of subjects, from serious to silly to philosophical.

By the time the stars had come out, the air had chilled considerably. Liz could feel Oded’s heat radiant off his body. Each time his side brushed against hers, she felt as if she was being touched by a tiny electrode. She was very aware of the weight of his arm around her waist. She was beginning to feel strongly attracted to him, both emotionally and sexually. The sexual part she could deal with. Sex was easy. It was the emotional part of it that scared the hell out of her. She knew how to deal with men on a sexual level, but didn’t have a clue how to deal with them emotionally. She had never had an emotional relationship with a man before. She thought that she and Oded were starting an emotional relationship, and that was foreign territory for her. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go there.
As the air chilled further, the contrast between that and Oded’s body heat made her shiver. He took his eyes away from the starry sky and looked at her.
“Are you cold?” he asked.
“Getting there.” She tried to read her watch, but couldn’t in the dark. He looked at his watch, which had a luminescent face.
“A little after midnight,” he said.
“Holy cow,” she replied. “Have we really been here that long?” He just smiled.
“I suppose I probably ought to go home,” she said.
“What are you doing later today?”
She gave him a puzzled look, then realized that it was now Sunday.
“Oh, I’m going to visit my mom.”
“Does your mom live here?”
“She lives in another town, about 30 miles away.” He paused, seeming to consider.
“So, I take it you would rather not do something with me then?”
Liz felt a little uncomfortable. She wanted to spend all of her time with him, and blow off her previous commitment to her mom, but realized that that was the raving co-dependant in her coming to life. She also wanted some time to think about this whole thing, disengage her hormones and re-engage her brain.
“I’d like to, but I better not. Maybe next weekend.”
Oded looked at her. She got the feeling that her skull had just turned to glass and all her thoughts and feelings were hanging out there in flashing neon signs for him to read. He seemed to debate saying something, but kept quiet and just nodded. She understood that he had decided to just lay back and give her some time, and she was grateful for that.
They got back into the car, and Oded drove them into town. Neither of them said much, seemingly lost in their own thoughts. When he arrived at Liz’s house, he parked and turned off the ignition. They were silent for a few moments. Things seemed to have gotten a little awkward again. He turned and looked at her. “I had a lot of fun tonight,” he said.
She looked at him and smiled. “I did too.” There was another awkward pause. “Well, I guess I will see you on Monday, then,” she said.
“Ok,” he replied, then leaned over and kissed her again. The kiss started off a little stiff between them, but then the awkwardness melted and they both began to relax into it. Liz entwined her fingers in that mass of dark hair, surprised at its silkiness. She heard his breath grow a little heavier as she caressed his tongue and ran her own along his teeth. She licked his full lower lip, then plunged her tongue into his warm mouth again. Her passion was coming to the surface again, making her heart speed up. She could sense his own sexual force, so strong it seemed to fill the air. It made the hairs on her arms stand on end like static electricity. She pulled back, breaking the kiss before it could go any further. It would be all too easy to just throw caution to the wind, rip his clothes off, and have sex with him right then and there. She was already having fantasies in her mind of just such a scenario. Oded had brought up feelings in her that she hadn’t had to deal with in a long time, and they were coming back with a vengence.
“I better get out of here,” she said with a little smile. She could tell by the look in his eye that he was having the same fantasies.
He smiled back. “Ok, I’ll see you at work.”
She reluctantly grabbed her purse and got out of the car. As he started the car and drove off, Liz floated up the walkway to the house. Her body was a stew of adrenaline and hormones. Her hands were shaking and clammy. Her face was hot. Her mind was in turmoil.
She came out of herself enough to notice that the van wasn’t back yet, and there were no lights on in the house. She was glad, because she didn’t think she could handle dealing with Bob, Chris, or Jamie right now. She was a wreck.
Liz quietly entered the house and went into her bedroom. There she undressed, got into bed, and stared at the ceiling. She had never felt less like sleeping. She entertained all sorts of fantasies of having sex with Oded, relishing the anticipation. Her feelings were scary to her, but they felt so good! Her motto had always been that if something feels that good, its gotta be bad for you.
She laid there for two hours, her mind going a mile a minute, until she heard Chris and Jamie stumble in from the bars. Finally she exhausted herself enough that she fell into a fitful sleep.

Once she grabbed a bite of breakfast, she jumped into the shower and got cleaned up. She was loath to do that, because she could still smell the lingering scent of Oded on her, and it was turning her on. The smell of his hair was imprinted on her hands. It was very distracting.

Afterward, she got dressed and quickly left the house to visit her mother. They spent the day at her mother’s house, shooting the shit and catching up on gossip. Her mom, Mary, noticed that Liz seemed distracted, and asked her about it.
“Got something on your mind?” Mary asked. Liz snapped out of her daze.
“Oh, sorry.” She paused. “Nothing.”
Her mom just looked at her expectantly.
“Well, I guess it is something, but I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it right now. Maybe later. I’m still trying to figure it out.” Mary nodded and went back to their previous conversation, knowing that when Liz was ready, she would bring it up herself.
Liz had trouble following her conversations with her mom. Her mind kept mulling over what was going on between her and Oded. She hadn’t had to deal with such a situation since she got sober, and she didn’t know what to do. She was torn. Part of her wanted to jump into the relationship full bore. Another part of her wanted to run away as fast as possible.

She dwelled a lot on the last relationship she had. She had been engaged to and living with a man, Jake, when she started doing counselling and finally went to treatment. It was just another one of her sick relationships. He was 3 years younger than her, and had moved out of his parents’ house to move in with her. That probably should have been her first clue that this wasn’t a real healthy relationship. The co-dependant side of her immediately went to work, and she became the mommy. When they first started going out, she thought she was going out of her way to pick a guy that was the opposite of all the other guys she had dated. She always had a soft spot for the anti-social, rebellious type before. Jake, however, was a clean cut all-American guy. He was even a volunteer fireman. He had a job. He drove a nice car and wore nice jewelry. Her dad liked him. So she was totally baffled when their relationship ended up being just like all the others. Not long after they moved in together, Jake lost his job. He never quite got another one. She discovered that he had nice material things because he still lived at home and didn’t have any real expenses. When they started to have real expenses, like rent and utilities, he still spent money like they didn’t. They got the great idea that she needed to build up her credit, so they got some joint credit cards and loans, which they promptly went delinquent on. On the emotional side of the relationship, she still felt that Jake was a little better than the rest of the guys she had dated. All of the guys before, like Tony and the married man she had the fling with, were abusive. Fortunately she had never dated a guy that was physically abusive, because she didn’t think she would have had the self-esteem to get out of the relationship. But there are many ways to hurt a person besides physically. There was a lot of emotional abuse. Jake, at least, didn’t seem to have that problem. But it was still a fairly sick relationship. He was very immature, and she ended up doing more than her share of things in the relationship. There was also a lot of martyrdom and manipulation between the two of them, trying to get the other person to feel or act a certain way.
When Liz’s world got turned upside down and she decided to go to treatment, Jake at first was very supportive. But the night before she left, he got weird and threatened to shoot himself with his hunting rifle if she went. Fortunately, she got the feeling that he really wasn’t serious, that it was just another form of manipulation. She called him on it and went anyway. Of course it was a bluff.

When she got back from treatment, he tried to be supportive, as long as it didn’t inconvenience him. But it didn’t work that way. When Liz came home, she was a different person. She started to hold him responsible for his end of the relationship, to act like an adult. And when he tried to manipulate her into doing or feeling something, she didn’t buy into it. She remembered one time, they were fighting about something, she didn’t even remember what it was. He was trying to draw her into the fight by making sarcastic remarks. But she had learned a different way of dealing with it. Whenever he said something that was supposed to get to her, she would respond, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” She didn’t know how many times she repeated that. It created a protective barrier around her that his stinging remarks couldn’t penetrate. He just kept getting madder and madder. Suddenly a feeling of liberation came over Liz. It was exhilerating to see another way of dealing with his remarks, where her feelings weren’t hinged on his actions. It was a feeling of power. It was so strong, and she felt so relieved, that she just started laughing. She couldn’t help herself. That didn’t help the situation any. Jake, of course, thought she was laughing at him, but she really wasn’t. She was laughing at her own foolishness for all these years of being voluntarily miserable. But there was no way to convince him of that. It didn’t take long after that for the relationship to go downhill like a go-cart with no brakes.
That was the last relationship that she had been in. Four long years ago. Her pattern in the past had been to constantly be in some sort of relationship. If she was not seeing someone, she felt weird, antsy, uncomfortable. Looking back on it, she realized that probably a lot of it was not having the distraction of someone else’s fucked up behavior to focus on. If she wasn’t focusing on someone else, she started to look at herself. And she didn’t want to do that. Subconsciously, she probably realized that her own behavior was destructive, but if someone else’s behavior was worse, then she would feel better about herself. If she had to go bail her boyfriend out of jail for theft, her own drinking looked pretty tame. So the worse the guy was, the better she felt about herself. Pretty fucked up.

After she got sober, she purposely stayed away from men. She did a lot of counselling and AA meetings, trying to get her shit straight. She discovered that the root of her problem was her non-existant self-esteem. She basically didn’t feel that she deserved any better than what she got. And certain guys seemed drawn by that. It was like they could smell it on her. She dealt a lot with that, gaining confidence and a feeling of self-worth. But she quickly found that when she got distracted by a man, all the things she learned went flying out the window. Fortunately, she always managed to discover this before she got into a relationship. And she still couldn’t meet a man and tell whether he was fucked up or not. She’d meet someone, start to feel attracted to him, then just when she’d get to the point of going out on a date or something, she would discover that he was just like all the rest before. She knew a lot of women who managed to find a decent guy, get married, and live happily ever after. Somehow her radar was broken, and she feared it was never going to get fixed. There was a saying that she could really relate to and she said it to her friends often: “Give me a room with 100 men in it, and I’ll find the one asshole.”

But she did know that she was better than she used to be. At least she wasn’t in the middle of some big soap opera relationship with these guys when she discovered how fucked up it was. She realized it before she did any major damage. But it still scared her that she couldn’t find any healthy guys to begin with. She knew they were out there, not everyone was an asshole, but she just didn’t seem to be drawn by them, or they to her, or something. And that blind spot was what scared her. And that’s why Oded scared her. She was afraid of why she was attracted to him, and why he was attracted to her. Did he sense some weakness? She thought her self-confidence was pretty good. She felt good about herself. So what could that weakness be? And what was wrong with him? Was she attracted to some subliminal message he was sending, some assholism that she hadn’t discovered yet? Why was he still single? Most people her age were either married and well-adjusted or single and still fucked up. The last year for her had been full of changes: she finished school, moved to LA, and got a new job. Was she subconsciously looking for something to wreck all that she had accomplished? Was she so scared about all these new things that she was looking for someone to cling to, to absorb her and make her an appendage again, so she wouldn’t have to worry anymore? These were the thoughts that were racing through her head. And she didn’t have a clue how to answer them.

On the other hand, was she jumping at shadows? Maybe she wasn’t seeing the bad things about him because there weren’t any. Sure, everybody’s got their problems, but Oded seemed pretty healthy. He was cheerful, had a sense of humor, was pretty laid back about the world in general. Maybe she was finally starting to attract healthy guys. Maybe she was making a mountain out of a molehill. Maybe she ought to quit psychoanalyzing everything and just enjoy his company. That would be a new concept.

As she was half-listening to her mother, she tried to shove the stuff in her head off to one side and let it go. It went, sort of. She didn’t want this whole thing to take over her world, and she could tell that it was. She decided to let the relationship go a little farther, to give it the benefit of the doubt. That made her feel a little better, to at least be making some sort of decision. So, having done that, she consciously made an effort to listen to what Mary was saying. After a while, it seemed to work. She actually forgot about Oded for a while.