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Lilacs in Winter
by
F.A. Behrend
Disclaimer: The characters of Frank Donovan, Jake Shaw, Alex Cross, Monica Davis, Cody and Paul Bloom were created by and are owned by Shane Salenrno and Don Wilson. No infringements intended. All other characters are owned by the author.
(Comments appreciated on the Message Board or to fran@completetrav.com)
Rated: PG 13
“Damn that kid!” She peered through the windshield searching for the address. “If he fed me a load of bull I will kill him!” She held the little Explorer to a walking pace and let the car creep slowly down the alley. It was long past dark and she had been searching for nearly an hour. She was about to conclude that the address simply didn’t exist when she crossed the end of what looked like another alley. Probably another dead end, she thought, but she hadn’t remembered being down this way and so she made the turn. “One last chance,” she said aloud, “then I’m going home, take a hot bath and the hell with it.” The pavement was wet from a recent hard rain and the rough sides of the brick buildings were slick with moisture. If she had had a window open she would have been able to hear water still trickling out of the leaky gutters. There was a brilliant white light somewhere up ahead around a corner, and stark shadows cut across the pavement. The night wind was chill. She had the heater on full blast to force out the dampness and cold, but it wasn’t doing much good and she shivered and gripped the wheel a little harder.
It was a nasty part of town and she felt like a fool for being here. This is what I get for being so damned dedicated, she thought. Robby was a nice kid, one of the best in her class, and he was probably in trouble, but was it really worth it to risk life and limb to try and turn him around? She had tried to mail some scholarship forms to his home but they had come back as “undeliverable.” She asked him about it and he had given her a new address, somewhat reluctantly. Now she was checking it out and she wasn’t having much luck. It looked like the address didn’t exist. So the kid was lying and now she was sitting in the middle of a dark alley in the middle of the night cursing her own foolishness.
I am an idiot, she thought as she fumbled the car into reverse and began to back out of the alley. It took a few minutes. She made the turn in reverse, avoided several trash cans and dumpsters, and was about to head back towards the street when the alley suddenly exploded in gunfire. Oh shit! she thought and began to fumble the car into a forward gear. Adrenaline coursed through her body and her hands trembled on the shifter. She couldn’t find the right spot. A dark figure tore out of the alley and came rocketing towards her car. She could see the exploding bursts of light as bullets ricocheted off the wet bricks of the buildings behind him. The figure crashed into a dumpster, righted himself, stumbled, and then plowed directly into the passenger side of her car. The window glass shattered in a hail of gunfire and the figure tore the door open and dove into the front seat beside her.
“Oh Jesus!” she screamed, “just take the car! Don’t kill me!” She scrambled for the door latch but couldn’t seem to find it in the dark.
“Take it easy lady! I’m a cop!” He was gasping and clutching his side. She could see a gun in his hand. It slipped from his grip and in the dim light she saw the wet gleam of blood all over the handle. “My ID...” It was a gold shield, and that too slipped from his hand, covered in blood.
The windows along the passenger side dissolved in more gunfire, showering the interior with sharp little crystals of glass, flying like viscous snowflakes. She screamed again, “Don’t kill me!”
“Lady, I won’t” his breath was coming in short hard gulps, “but the guys who are chasing me certainly will. Please! Just drive!”
She rammed the shifter into a forward gear and gunned the engine. The car bucked like a wild thing, nearly stalled, and then lept forward. Christ, he thought, we’re dead! They were roaring down the alley towards the street, she could see lights and traffic ahead. Her hands were shaking on the wheel when the back window went out in another explosion.
“Jesus God!” She ducked to avoid being sprayed with glass and nearly hit a dumpster at the end of the alley before tearing out into the street. The back end of the Explorer fishtailed on the wet pavement but she controlled the skid and then, remarkably, she put on her turn signal as she righted the car and maneuvered it into the flow of traffic.
He laughed, and then groaned, “I don’t think you really need to use signals. Just get to the nearest lighted spot...” He reached up and tapped on a tiny microphone stuck in his ear, “Jake?! Jake, are you there?!” and then he tapped again.
“What the hell,” she said, “how many of you are there!?”
“My team...” he said, his voice was getting faint, he was breathing hard and gripping his side.
She was trying to concentrate on traffic but she risked a glance at him. She couldn’t make out features, but got a general impression of dark hair and dark clothes. “There’s a Quik Stop about two blocks up,” she said. Her voice was shaking. “Who’s Jake? And who are you?”
“I’m Frank. Jake is a part of my team,” he said, “he was watching my back...” the sentence ended with a groan as the car flew over a pothole.
“Fire him,” she said.
“What?”
“Fire him. He didn’t do a very good job.” She was calmer now, less frightened and more angry, and more in control. She whipped the car into a parking lot next to a brightly lit convenience store and jumped out. She ran around to the passenger side and opened the door to see a pool of blood dripping down the side of the leather seat. “Shit!” she said and leaned over and took the microphone out of his ear. “Hello!?” she yelled into it.
A buzzing crackle came from the tiny earpiece and she held it closer, “who is this!?” yelled a disembodied voice.
“If this is Jake, your boss is in trouble. We’re at...” she looked around, “the Quik Stop at 7th and Wenonga. He’s been shot and there’s a lot of blood...” her voice and her hands were shaking as she continued to watch the blood pool in the car seat. “We need an ambulance fast!”
There was another crackle and the voice said, “7th and Wenonga! On the way!”
She put the microphone in her pocket and ripped open the back door of the car. Under the back seat she found her gym bag and she pulled it out. She took out a towel and folded it into a thick pad and then went back to the front seat where he lay. In the harsh light coming from the store window she could see that he was very pale. His eyes were closed and when she touched his face, she found it was slicked with a film of cold sweat. Clearly he was in shock. He stirred and opened his eyes. They were dark. She couldn’t tell if he actually had dark eyes or if his pupils were simply dilated and he was about to die. She pulled on the seat lever and got it to recline some, reasoning that this would slow the loss of blood. She opened his jacket and saw where most of the blood was coming from and then she placed the towel over that spot. She put his hand back over the towel and said, loudly and firmly, “hold this.” He groaned and continued to lie there with his eyes closed, but he managed to press the towel tighter.
She dug under the back seat again and sliced her fingers on shards of glass. She never noticed her own blood as she came up with a role of duct tape. She ripped a strip off with her teeth, stuck one end over the pad of towel and wrapped the other end around his waist. Then she took the roll of tape, stuck another strip over the towel and pulled it tight, muttering under her breath all the while, “don’t you dare die on me. My insurance company will simply not believe this.” She kept wrapping the tape around him, fishing it through the pool of blood that continued to collect, but slower now, on the seat. By that time she could hear sirens approaching. “God, I hope those are for us!” She pulled the microphone out of her pocket and yelled into it again, “will you guys hurry it up!”
His breathing seemed easier now and when she looked at him his eyes were open. “I didn’t get your name,” he said.
“Andi,” she said quietly and took his hand. His skin was cold, but covered in warm blood. She took off her jacket and threw it over him. “Andi McDonald. Just stay quiet. I think help’s on the way.” The sirens were getting closer and in just a few seconds the parking lot was filled with light and noise.
A man in a black leather jacket burst from the back of a large dark van and came running towards them. He was carrying a gun in one hand. She bent down to the floor next to the front seat and found the gun that had been dropped there. It was still slick with blood and she brought it up and turned around, “hold it right there! You want him, you go through me!” Her statement was pure bravado and would have been much more effective if her hands hadn’t been shaking so violently. She was in grave danger of shooting nearly everyone that now swarmed the parking lot.
The man slowed and put up his hands but still moved towards her, “I’m Jake,” he said, “please, ma’am, put the gun down before you hurt somebody.”
“Don’t shoot him,” said a voice behind her, faint but steady, “that’s my job.”
She held the gun out, carefully, between two fingers, and Jake took it. When she stepped aside she saw him clench his jaw at the sight of so much blood. The EMT’s rushed in and lifted Frank out of the front seat, installed an IV and rushed to a waiting helicopter. He was gone almost before she knew it. Then she took a deep breath and sat down, right in the parking lot next to her car, and put her head between her knees.
“Are you OK? I’m going to have the EMT’s take a look at you.” He was kneeling beside her, with a hand gently resting on her back.
She nodded, “I’m fine, mostly. Is he going to be OK?” She looked at him, clear blue eyes, dark hair and a sprout of beard starting out across a square jaw.
“Frank’s a tough guy.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I know.”
More EMT’s came over then, shining lights in her eyes, looking at her bloody hands and verifying that she had no major wounds. She was loaded into a waiting ambulance, protesting that she was fine but not really feeling fine at all.
It didn’t hurt as long as he didn’t move, and so he kept as still as he could manage. There had been a monstrous jolt of pain when they had moved him from the car, and another when the gurney was loaded onto the chopper, but it was a little better now. They had fussed with an IV and blankets and the rotors on the chopper were making a terrible din. She had covered him with something in the car, maybe a jacket or a blanket of some kind, and he was getting a drift of fragrance from it that he couldn’t quite place. He concentrated on that and the pain wasn’t so bad. It was some kind of floral scent, but not too sweet. He didn’t know what it was but it gave him something to think about besides the roaring pain in his gut. The chopper landed and there was another jolt as he was unloaded. Then he remembered, lilacs. It was the scent of lilacs. He smiled, glad that he could remember what it was, and then he gave himself over to darkness.
The waiting room had comfortable couches and chairs and soft lighting. They must make it this way since they know people will be here for quite a while, she thought. They had bandaged her hands and she now sat holding a cup of tea laced with sugar, a blanket around her shoulders.
Jake came over to her, “I’m going to have a black and white take you home.”
“No, thank you. I’m staying.” She hugged the cup closer and breathed in the steam.
“There’s really no point. It’ll be hours before we know anything. I’ll call you.”
“No. I’m staying. I already called my roommate. Do you think he’ll be OK?”
“Like I said, he’s a tough guy.”
“And that’s not what I asked.”
“Look, you’ve really done enough, you should go home.”
“No. Thank you.”
He looked at her, brown hair, cut short, a sleek cap on top of an oval face with hazel eyes, very determined hazel eyes. He nodded and sighed, “OK, but there’s really no point.”
She shrugged off the blanket and pointed to the bandage at the crook of his elbow, “you gave blood?” He nodded. She stood up, “I think I’d like to do that too.”
He took her firmly by the shoulder and pushed her back down on the couch, “absolutely not,” he said, “you need all you’ve got tonight.”
“OK. Whatever.”
He sat down next to her, “why don’t you tell me what happened?”
She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders again and rested her head on the back of the couch. “I was looking for one of my students. I’m a teacher. He’s a good kid but I think he’s probably living on the street. He gave me a bogus address, but I wanted to make sure before I confronted him. Your boss...Frank...came charging out of the alley just as I was deciding it was time to go home. Scared the crap out of me. I thought I was being carjacked.”
Jake nodded and asked, “where did you learn that trick with the duct tape? The doctor said you probably saved his life.”
She kept her eyes closed. “Ever since Columbine, we have disaster drills. It’s one of those things you hope you’ll never have to use. What about you? What were you guys doing in that alley?”
“Drug buy. One more major transaction and we could have leveraged the dealer to turn in his suppliers. Something went wrong.”
“Obviously.”
Eventually, she dozed off. Sometime later she heard hushed voices and opened her eyes to see Jake talking to a short man wearing OR greens. She sat up and rubbed her face and then went to join them. Jake was smiling, the look of relief on his face was palpable.
“Good news,” he said with a smile when she got to his side.
“Not so fast,” said the doctor, holding up a hand, “he made it through surgery. That’s all we know for now. He lost a lot of blood, the next 24 hours will tell the tale.” He saw the look of concern on her face and said, “I just want you to know, he’s not out of the woods, yet. Are you family?” She shook her head.
Jake interrupted, “his family’s out of town. We notified them, but for now, we’re it.” His gesture included them both.
“Well,” said the doctor, “he’s a strong man, and he’s stabilized for now, but he’s in for a long recovery...”
“Can I see him?” she asked. Seeing him might make it seem more real. If she could just see him, she could tell if he would be OK.
The doctor hesitated, “you’re not family...I really shouldn’t...”
She put a bandaged hand on his arm, “please?”
“All right, but just for a few minutes. He’ll be out for hours yet.”
The room was dimly lit and monitors beeped at comfortingly regular intervals. There were masses of tubes pumping in all kinds of fluids. For a big man he looks awfully small, she thought as she approached the bed, and even unconscious he looks pretty fierce. She reached over and took his hand, it was warm. He stirred slightly and his face softened. It seemed like he was almost smiling.
There it was again. He thought he must be dreaming. But of course he was dreaming. Why on earth should he be able to smell lilacs practically in the dead of winter? He relaxed and let the fragrance drift over him, and then he slept.
Eventually, close to dawn, she went home. She slept some, but fitfully, got up, arranged for a substitute to take her classes and then called her insurance company and told them what had happened to her car. Jake had given her the necessary information to file a claim and by late afternoon she had gotten a rental. She drove it back over to the hospital. Oh Lord, she thought as she approached the information desk, I don’t even know his name! Luckily, Jake was just coming out of the elevator, and so she was saved the embarrassment of asking to visit someone she didn’t even know.
“Hi,” he said, coming over to her. He obviously hadn’t left the hospital all night. His beard was thicker and darker, but the strain was gone from his face. “Doc thinks he’s going to be OK.”
“Thank God,” she said with a sigh. Until that moment she hadn’t known just how really worried she was. “Can I see him?”
“I don’t see why not. He’s in ICU, but we’ll pass you off as a...sister?...cousin? Well, something. If they don’t let you in, have them talk to me, I know people with guns.” He grinned through his fatigue.
Odd, he thought, I must be losing it. I keep getting this lilac fragrance. When he opened his eyes, there she was, standing next to the bed, smiling at him.
“Hey,” she said, “you look better than you did last night.”
“Hey, yourself.” He blinked a couple of times, he was having a hard time focusing. There were balloons of all things, right next to the bed on the table.
She gestured at them. “I stopped at the gift shop. You don’t really look like a balloon kind of guy, but I don’t think Hallmark makes anything to exactly cover this situation.” He coughed, once, and winced, and she said with concern, “should I call someone?”
He shook his head, “No, I’m OK.” He indicated a small devise, “morphine pump. I’m full of happy juice right now. Could I have some water?” She got the glass from the table and helped him sip through the straw. Leaning this close to him, she could see how tired he was. His color was better, but his eyes, dark eyes, were unfocused and muddied from the drugs. He looked at her and said, “I’m sorry, I forgot your name.”
“Andi, Andi McDonald. I just wanted to stop in and see how you were doing. I better go and let you get some rest. Is there anything you need?”
He leaned back on the pillow, closed his eyes and shook his head, “No, but thanks. And thanks for being there last night.”
“Serendipity,” she stroked the back of his hand, avoiding the IV line, “well, you take care.” She turned to leave.
“There is one thing,” he said softly and she stopped.
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll come back? When I’m not drugged to the gills?”
“Absolutely,” she said with a smile and then she left, the fragrance of lilacs trailing softly after her. He went to sleep with a smile on his face.
She returned to school the next day and was immediately swept up in the general chaos of public education. She checked with the hospital daily and found that he was progressing nicely and had been moved to a private room. “Sitting up and taking nourishment,” was how Jake described his condition. It was a Saturday before she had another chance to visit.
She tapped softly on his door and pushed it open. “Hi?”
He looked up, and his face lit up in a huge smile. Wow, she thought, he’s got some killer smile. There was a tray in front of him and he was half heartedly scooping up the gray and gooey oatmeal from a dish that rested there. All the tubes and monitors were gone except for the IV in the back of his hand. “Hi yourself,” he said.
She glanced over her shoulder back down the hall and then gave him a conspiratorial smile. “Jake told me they had you on solid food,” she said and lifted a large bag up onto the bedside table.
“If you can call this solid,” he said, pushing the oatmeal away.
“Well, I took a chance,” she said and began to unload the bag. “When my sister had her hysterectomy they tried the oatmeal thing on her and she just about went nuts. You don’t look like an oatmeal person, so I brought provisions of another kind.”
He sniffed in the direction of the bag. Styrofoam containers were emerging in growing numbers. “What have you got in there?”
“Like I said, I took a chance. I hope you like corned beef?”
He looked at the labels on the packages in front of him, “Rosemond’s corned beef?” Rosemond’s was the best deli in the city. “You bet! Woman, you have saved my life for the second time.” He took the sandwich she had opened for him and dug in with gusto. He sighed as he leaned back and savored the first bite.
“They included cole slaw and potato salad, and dill pickles.” She opened more containers.
“I think I better draw the line at the pickles, a kosher dill right now would probably kill me.”
“I don’t know. Jake said you were a tough guy...”
“Not at the moment, but give me a couple of days.” He was beaming. There was more color in his face and he had a chance to shave. She thought he looked wonderful.
“Oh,” she said, going back into the bag, “cream sodas. And pie. I didn’t know, cherry or lemon meringue, so I brought one of each, I’ll eat whatever you don’t want.”
He grinned at her. “So, Andi, who has now saved my life twice, Jake told me you’re a teacher?”
She nodded. “Hudson Academy. It’s a magnet school for gifted kids. I teach math and science.”
“So what were you doing driving down dark alleys in the middle of the night? I think Jake told me, but I don’t remember much.”
“Actually, I was looking to bust one of my kids. I think he’s living in his car and I wanted to find out for sure. I was looking for an address when I ran into you, literally.”
He munched happily away. “Running around crappy neighborhoods goes a little above and beyond the call for a teacher doesn’t it?” He watched her face, lively hazel eyes, shiny brown hair falling softly across her forehead, she seemed completely unselfconscious, and she looked completely beautiful.
She shrugged, “Haven’t you heard? Teachers are the new caregivers to the world. We wipe their noses, make sure they get decent meals and teach them to use condoms. We’ve become the father confessors and mother superiors to half the kids in the country.”
“Am I sensing a little resentment here?” he asked.
“No,” she laughed as she ate, “not really. I love teaching. Every once in a while I get a kid like Robby. He was the one I was chasing down. He’s good, really good, a genuine bonafide genius with numbers, but he’s got a crappy home life. If he had been born almost anyplace else he would be well on the way to MIT, but as it is, he’ll be lucky if he graduates.”
He let her talk, the pleasant sound of her voice washing over him like a river, the faintest hint of lilacs coming from her every time she moved. Listening to her was like going on vacation, to some far-off normal life, a life without bullets and guns and death. The tension and the pain drained away from him until he felt new and fresh and, for want of a better word, healed.
“Oh Lord,” she said, “listen to me rattle on! So, how did you get to be in that alley anyway?” She looked up and saw his face darken, crashing back to reality. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly when he didn’t answer right away, “I didn’t mean to...”
He shook his head quickly, “no,” he said, “it’s OK.”
“Near-death experiences are usually not OK. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine with me. Can I have that pickle?” She pointed to his plate and they both laughed, the sudden tension broken. “Really, what you do, being a cop, must be about the hardest job in the world. How did you get into it?”
Their conversation flowed like water down this safe pathway, and before he knew it, the food was gone along with half the afternoon. “Well,” she said, getting up and stuffing napkins and empty containers back into the bag, “you could probably use some rest.” She left then, with a promise to come back again.
Tomorrow, he thought as he watched her go, please come back tomorrow.
She did come back, the next day and the day after that. Sometimes she stayed for several hours and they talked away the time. Sometimes she walked with him back and forth, up and down the hall so he could get his strength back. The staff nodded as they went by, he, tall and dark, she, small next to him and holding his arm. Sometimes she just dropped in for a few minutes, a quick hello and then she was gone. He found himself counting the minutes until she returned. Each night he fell asleep with a smile, remembering her voice and the sound of her laughter, and the scent of lilacs.
It was ten days since he had been shot and when she came into his room he was stuffing things into a gym bag. “Good news,” he said when he saw her, “they’re cutting me loose tomorrow.”
“Oh,” was all she said.
“The bad news is, now I get to eat my own cooking.” They both laughed. “Of course,” he continued, “that wouldn’t be a problem if I were to take you out to dinner...”
“That sounds suspiciously like a ‘date’.”
“Is that a problem?” he asked.
“Not even a little bit.” She smiled and helped him finish packing.
He called two days later, catching her between classes. “You wouldn’t believe the state of my desk,” he said, “I can’t see over the top of the pile.”
“You’re not overdoing it, are you?”
“Of course. But really, I’m fine. I’ll go home if I start to get too tired. Officially I’m on half days. And Jake is hovering like a mother hen.” He paused and then asked, “how about dinner?”
“Name the day and time, I’ll be there.”
He could hear the lilt in her voice and he could practically see the sparkle in her eyes. He told her when he would pick her up. And when he hung up he thought, God help me, this is going to be a lot harder than I ever imagined.
Jake poked his head in the door, “anything I can help with?”
“No,” he said and began to go through the piles, his mood suddenly dark.
Jake came in and sat down. He had to put a stack of reports on the floor to make a seat for himself. “Was that Andi on the phone?”
“Yes.” He continued to work.
“Are you still seeing her?”
“Yes, but that’s going to have to change, not that it’s any of your business.”
“You’ve only been out of the hospital for a couple of days, why don’t you take it easy?” He got no reply. “Look, Frank, I don’t want to pry where I’m not welcome...”
“Then don’t.”
“OK, I won’t, but I will give you some advice, whether you want it or not.” Frank gave him a dark look but he went on, “first, take it easy around here. We can catch up on paperwork when you’re ready. Second, go have fun with Andi. She’s a great girl, and all the time you were in the hospital I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so good, I mean, you looked like shit, but you actually seemed happy. Give it a chance.”
“Are you finished?”
“Don’t shut her out. She’s good for you.”
“That’s enough, Jake. I don’t need your advise on my personal life.”
“I think you do,” he said calmly, still sitting, “yes, this is a dangerous job, and we both know that relationships with cops are tough even under the best of circumstances. But every once in a while something comes along that just might be wonderful and if you never give it a chance...”
“I said, that’s enough! You don’t know what you’re talking about! Now get out!”
Frank’s face was white with anger, but Jake went on. They had been friends for too long and he couldn’t sit by and see his friend waste this chance. “Frank,” he said, leaning forward and keeping his voice calm, “listen to me. It doesn’t matter if you’re a cop, or a green beret jumping out of an airplane, or even if you’re the barista at the Starbuck’s on the corner, shit happens. Airplanes fall out of the sky, people get sick, they get hit by busses all the time. At least let Andi be the one to decide, and if she wants to be part of your life, for God’s sake let her.”
“I can’t do that and you know it. It’s better this way, to end it before either of us gets in any deeper.”
“You know, Frank, I don’t think it’s Andi you’re trying to protect, I think you’re the one who’s scared...”
“Out! Now!”
He shrugged, helpless to help a man he deeply respected, a man he knew to be utterly dedicated to the job. He got up and left, shutting the door behind him, perhaps more firmly than was absolutely necessary.
As soon as Jake left, Frank sat back in his chair and ran both hands through his hair. Damn it, he thought, why did I let it get this far? I should have just thanked her and asked her to leave. Now what...It was wonderful, just talking to her. She’s a school teacher for God’s sake.
They talked about kids and basketball games and PTA meetings. For a while, just a few days, he let himself imagine what it would be like, to have a normal life, a life without guns and shooting, blood and death. God, what a fool I was, he thought, but I can’t let it go on...I can’t let her get hurt...damn! He picked up a dictionary and hurled it across the room, sending it crashing into the wall. Outside at his desk, Jake looked up, concerned, and then shook his head and went back to work.
The restaurant was a little out-of-the-way spot. They slid into a booth at the back and the waiter placed menus in front of them. He pushed the menu aside. “Andi,” he said, “I need to talk to you.”
“So talk,” she laughed and then she looked up and met his eyes. She put the menu down. “What is it?” she asked gently when she saw that he did not return her smile.
He cleared his throat. God this is awful, he thought. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it straight out. I don’t think we should see each other any more.”
To say that she was stunned would be an understatement. “Oh,” she caught her breath. “My goodness, can I ask why?”
“This is about the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, please believe me. I would never hurt you, not for all the world...”
“And this isn’t hurting?” she asked. He could see that her eyes were bright with tears. “Just tell me why...”
“My job puts you at risk. My job puts anyone I’m close to at risk. I could have gotten you killed. I can’t allow that to happen, ever again.”
“And I don’t get a vote?”
“You don’t realize just how dangerous what I do can be...”
“Don’t realize?! For God’s sake, Frank, I realize more than practically anyone on this planet just what your job can cost. I got a call from the body shop today. They need to order new seats for the car because they can’t get all the blood out of the old ones, your blood, Frank, soaked into the upholstery, so deep they can’t clean it up! And you think I don’t realize...” Tears began to spill down her cheeks.
“Andi, I know this hurts you. For a while I thought it was possible, I thought we could have a relationship. But it just won’t work. The things I have to do in my job just won’t allow it. I have to keep secrets. I have to be gone for long stretches at a time. There are times when I have to sleep with women to maintain my cover. That’s not the kind of relationship that builds a lot of trust.”
“And you just made this decision for both of us? I don’t get a chance to even discuss it? To tell you how I feel? To even try to see if it could work?”
“It’s easier this way. If we just end it now and move on, it will be easier. Please believe me.”
“Easier for who?” The waiter came over to take their order, took one look at the two of them and turned around and left. Andi stood up, shaking, she wasn’t sure if it was from anger or heartache. “OK,” she said, “if that’s the way you want it. Have a nice life, alone.” And then she was gone and he was truly alone.
Teresa had been her roommate since college. When Andi came through the door she took one look and went straight to the freezer. They were half way through a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s Heavenly Hash and between sobs she had gotten the whole story. “Did you ever think he could be right?” she asked.
“Of course he could be right. That’s not the point. He never even gave it a chance. He never even gave me a chance, or a choice.”
“Maybe he’s been through it before. Maybe he’s just trying to save you a bunch of grief. Think about it. What would it be like, wondering all the time where he was, what he was doing, who he might be with, and that doesn’t even begin to address the question of someone trying to get to him through you.”
She was quiet for a long time. Her tears had long since run out and she felt as dry and empty as a dessert. “Damn it, Teresa,” she finally said, “I hate it when you’re right.”
She buried herself in her work. A week went by, then two, then three and gradually the pain centered somewhere over her heart seemed to fade away. She took on extra tasks. The regional science fair was about to begin and her school was hosting the exhibits, so extra work was easy to find. She had her car back and gradually her life seemed to be returning to normal.
She and four of her students were digging extra tables out of storage when the bomb went off. It happened completely without warning. It was during lunch period. She had recruited the kids out of the cafeteria to help her set up for the fair. One minute they were moving tables and the next they were flat on their backs, cloaked in darkness and surrounded by choking dust. For a while everything was very quiet, the only sound was gushing water coming from broken pipes. “Oh my God!” she coughed, “where is everybody!? Jason? Robby? Krissy? Carol?”
“What the fuck? Oh, sorry Miss McDonald...”
“What the fuck indeed, Jason. Everybody! Where are you? Count off! Is everybody OK!?”
“Here,” came from Robby.
“Over here,” from Carol and then she coughed.
“Krissy? Has anybody seen Krissy?” Dim light was filtering in from somewhere above, and they slowly got up, pushing debris aside. In the far distance they could hear sirens, and screams coming from the direction of the cafeteria. They groped around in the semi darkness, found each other, held each other, shook and cried. They located Krissy under a locker, unconscious, with a deep gash across her forehead.
“OK,” said Andi, “I want everyone to sit down and sit close together. The most immediate need is to assess everyone’s condition.” They had been carrying tables out of storage through the locker room and she found towels. She wrapped these around Krissy’s head. Other injuries were minor, cuts and scrapes, but Jason, Robby and Carol were all shaking violently. “Listen guys, I can’t tell for sure, but I think we’re all OK. You’re probably going into shock. We have to keep warm, grab some more towels if you can find them in the lockers and wrap up...”
“What about Krissy?” Carol asked, her voice small and shaky, “she looks dead...”
“She’s not dead,” Andi was firm, she had to keep control and not let them panic. “She’s got a bad cut on her head. I’ve stopped the bleeding...”
“What do you think happened?” Robby asked.
“I have no idea,” she said, “could be anything from a gas explosion to a bomb. We’ll have to assume that the rest of the building is in bad shape and we might not be able to get help down here for some time. We might be on our own. Can I count on you guys?” The three of them nodded, their faces ghostly in the half light, covered in a fine layer of dust.
“Miss McDonald?” Jason’s voice came through the gloom, “the water’s rising...”
He was right. The pipes in the shower room had broken and the drains were plugged with debris. The water level was creeping up very quickly, and it was getting dangerously close to where Krissy lay, pinned under a locker.
“OK guys, this is where you get to be jocks. We’re going to have to lift that locker off Krissy and move her to a dryer spot.” She directed them. Their eyes were adjusting to the darkness by now. They heaved the locker aside and then all four of them picked up the unconscious girl and laid her on one of the tables they had been moving. Jason found some adhesive tape, so they padded her head with towels and taped her to the table, keeping her as level as they could. That done, they pulled the table to the far side of the room and then sat down to wait. Andi asked, “anybody got a cell phone?”
“Not me,” said Robby.
“In my locker,” said Jason, “we’re not supposed to carry them in class.”
“In my bag back in the cafeteria,” said Carol.
“Let’s check Krissy’s pockets,” Andi said, and leaned over the table. Sure enough, she had her phone with her. “God bless a kid who breaks the rules,” she said under her breath. “I hope her batteries are charged up and we can get a signal.” She concentrated for a few minutes, trying to think of someone to call. She remembered a number and then began to dial.
“Frank!” It was Jake. He rushed into Frank’s office. “We’ve got a big one,” he said. Frank could see past him into the squad room. Everyone was clustered around a TV and the phones were ringing off the hook. “There’s been an explosion at a school, looks like a truck bomb.”
“What school?” he asked, and he knew the answer immediately from the look on Jake’s face.
“Hudson.”
He allowed himself just a moment to absorb it and then he began to direct their actions. It was a drill that every federal office had rehearsed after 9/11, first priority, rescue and treat the wounded, second, preserve evidence. They would provide equipment and manpower to assist local emergency agencies. They grabbed jackets and radios and headed to the motor pool for the equipment trucks.
The scene at the school was chaos. The driver of a rented truck loaded with fuel oil and fertilizer had plowed into the front of the building and half the three story structure had collapsed. My God, he thought, she’s in there somewhere. They set up a command post, Frank’s crew taking charge of communication. Frantic parents began arriving, more and more each minute, and so he assembled a team to intercept them, provided a place where they could wait and gave them as much information as they had.
The truck had run up the main steps in front of the building, crashed through the doors and had come to rest in the center of the main hall. It blew up there, creating a crater that went all the way to the basement and taking out the administrative offices. Fire trucks and ambulances had already begun to ferry the wounded off to local hospitals. School district offices had provided attendance lists, those lists were being checked, and already students were being reunited with their families. There was a faculty list and an evacuation plan. She was supposed to be assembling and counting students in the south parking lot, but she wasn’t there and no one had seen her.
Please God, he thought, maybe she went off-campus for lunch, please God. He jumped when his phone rang. “Donovan.”
“Frank?”
“Andi! For God’s sake where are you? Are you all right?” He nearly cried for joy at the sound of her voice.
“Good news first, I’m OK. I’m in the boys locker room with four students.” She gave the names so their parents could be told. “Bad news, it looks like we’re trapped. One of the kids is hurt. I can’t tell, but it might be bad.”
“Sit tight,” he told her, digging through a pile of papers and locating a floor plan of the building to pinpoint her position. “I’ll get someone on it, we’ll have someone there in just a few minutes.”
“Wait, I’ve got more bad news. There’s water rising in the room we’re in, I think it’s coming from broken pipes and it’s coming up pretty fast.” She coughed a couple of times, “and we’ve got a pocket of gas forming in here. The air’s getting pretty bad. We’re going to have to move.”
“Wait,” he said, “can you get out somehow?”
“I think we can move one room over, to the...east...I think, into the coach’s office, to see if we can find some cleaner air. I’ll call you back. I need to preserve these batteries.” Then she was gone.
His hands were shaking, he didn’t know if it was from relief at finding out she was alive or from fear that she might not be able to get out. He called Jake, left him in charge of the communications van and ran to the first rescue team he could locate. “There’s a group of five, somewhere in here,” he told the men, and pointed to the spot on the floor plan.
“Lord,” said the fire chief, “they’re right next to some of the worst damage. But if they move...east...did you say?...they’ve got a chance. Let’s go!”
Andi looked up at the ceiling of the locker room. Every few minutes there was a load groan and a creaking noise. A large steel beam stuck through from above and she was certain that she could see it shifting, ever so slightly. “Kids,” she said, “I don’t think this is a good place to stay. Let’s see if we can get through that door into the coach’s office.” They all looked up at the ceiling, nodded silent agreement and picked up the table carrying Krissy.
Water in the room was now almost knee-high and rising fast. They couldn’t open the door against its pressure. The reinforced glass pane in the office door was shattered and they managed to work the fragments loose with a broken bench leg from the locker room. The boys went through first, but the table top was too wide and they couldn’t get the injured girl through the narrow opening. The ceiling in the locker room groaned ominously.
“Miss McDonald,” said Robby, “we’ll have to strap her to something narrower.” He wiggled back through the opening. Lockers floated and bobbed on the rising water. “One of these locker doors might do it.” The boys came back through the opening and wrenched a locker door free while Andi tried to ignore the rumblings coming from the ceiling over their heads. The had to be very careful while they were moving Krissy, trying to keep her head and back level and stable. Every nerve in her body cried out to hurry, but they took it slow, with deliberate careful movements. At last they had her secured to the narrower surface. The water was nearly at their waists now, but they managed to push the locker door through the window. The boys laid her carefully on the floor and no sooner had they helped Andi and Carol through the opening than the ceiling in the locker room gave way.
Andi threw herself over Krissy. The wall collapsed behind her with a tremendous roar and filthy water gushed through the small room. Debris flew in all directions and she was pounded by bits of flying cement and ceramic tiles. The force of the collapse blew them all to the far side of the small office, and the water, thick with bobbing debris, washed over them. With more space now, the water was not so deep. She heard coughing in the darkness and called out, “Everybody OK?”
There was movement beneath her and she felt Krissy stir. “Take it easy honey,” she said, “we’ll get you out of here just fine.” She said it with more confidence than she felt. The others all answered, one at a time, wet and scared, they were all still alive.
Frank watched in horror as another section of the building collapsed. A cloud of dust rose into the cold afternoon air, and the firefighters and rescue teams pulled back from the rubble until everything was quiet once more. The firemen moved in again with grim determination.
“Was that close to where we need to be?” he asked.
“Yep,” said the firefighter. He took a ragged photocopy of a blueprint out of his back pocket and pointed. “Here’s where the locker room is, or was, and we’re about here. I gotta tell ya buddy, it don’t look too good for those kids.”
They went back to work. It had to be done by hand since the pile of rubble was so unstable. They were working from the east end of the building. Andi said she was trying to move in that direction. If there’s a God in heaven, he thought, we’ll find her. Please God, let me find her.
It started to rain. Just a drizzle at first, miserable and damp, and then harder, turning the site of the school into a morass of gray mud. He was exhausted. He tried the cell phone several times with no result. He tried to make himself believe that only the phone had been crushed.
She tried the phone. No luck, it had been soaked and the batteries were dead. The water had washed the air clean and it was easier to breathe now, but the debris from the locker room kept shifting and forcing them closer and closer to the far wall of the small office. Jason spoke up, “I think Coach kept a flashlight in his desk drawer.”
“Good,” she said, “see if you can locate it. We’re wet and we’re going to need to find a way to stay warm or hypothermia will set in. Let’s focus on trying to find a way out of here.”
“Got it!” Jason cried and the flashlight came on.
“Great. I feel warmer already,” she said and they each managed a small laugh. Robby and Carol stayed with Krissy. She was awake and crying, and she was able to wiggle her fingers and toes, but she was shivering violently. Andi and Jason poked around the one remaining undamaged wall of the office. “Look for a vent, anything that might indicate a way out of here.” They pushed aside bookcases and a metal locker and there, in the yellow gleam of the flashlight, was a low metal door with a sign on it. It said “Stage Tunnel #1.”
“Carol? You were in the play last year weren’t you?” she asked.
“Yes? Why?”
“Do you know where this stage tunnel goes?”
“Some of them go outside. They’re for loading scenery flats and stuff. Some don’t go anywhere. They’re just for adjusting lighting or whatever from below stage.”
“Well gang, let’s hope that Tunnel #1 goes outside.”
He sat with his head in his hands at the back of the fire truck. Jake came over and handed him a cup of coffee. The rain was coming down steadily now, cold and hard. They brought in searchlights and were still combing over the rubble. “They’ll find her,” he told Frank.
“They have to. Jake, I’m the world’s worst fool. Whatever made me think I was the only one whose life could be in danger. I should have realized, anybody’s life can change, can be over, in just a split second. If I actually get a second chance...”
A truck pulled in and came to an abrupt halt. There were crates in the back and the crates held the search dogs. It had taken the team all day to arrive, and so when the handlers emerged with the dogs everyone was ready for them. The rescue teams went over the blueprints with the fire chief. “There’s only one bunch that we know of left in that mess,” he told them, “we’ve accounted for everyone except a teacher and four students. They were together about here when we last heard from them.” He pointed to the spot on the blueprint.
Frank interrupted, “I had contact with the teacher by cell phone. Before the phone cut out she told me they would head in an easterly direction. That would bring them away from the gym and locker rooms and towards the auditorium.”
“Great,” said one of the handlers, “we can start at the stage area and fan out from there.” It was frustratingly slow and painstaking work. Part of the auditorium roof still stood but there was danger of further collapse every moment. At last, one of the dogs alerted to a spot, “we’ve got something here!” hollered the handler. Frank and the rescue crew came in to begin the slow process of shoring up the work area, dismantling the debris and digging down into the rubble.
There were noises below the stage, faint and muffled at first, then louder as the digging progressed. “Down here!” they said.
When they broke through, Jason was the first one out. “It’s about time!” he choked, “boy, am I hungry!” There were cheers all around. Lights and news cameras were everywhere. Jason raised his arms over his head like a conquering hero.
Next came Krissy, strapped to the locker door. There was a halt to the work while the hole was enlarged to pull her through. She was conscious and weeping and the paramedics rushed to her immediately, carrying her away to a waiting ambulance.
Carol and Robby were next out, filthy and clinging to each other.
Please God, he thought, as he leaned over and reached down into the hole. A hand came up out of the darkness and dirt and he grabbed it. Thank you, he whispered.
At first she couldn’t see anything. The lights were blinding and the dirt kept sifting into her eyes. A hand reached for her, grabbed, held on and dragged her bodily from the bowels of the ruined building. She was wrapped in strong arms and when she looked up and saw who it was, she smiled. “Well,” she coughed, “I think this makes us even.”
“Good,” he grinned, holding her close, “then maybe we can start over.”
She nodded, unable to speak, tears streaking the grime on her face. He picked her up and carried her to the waiting ambulance, and he could swear, through the filth and the mud, through the sweat and blood, he could almost smell the fragrance of lilacs.
The End