| Rag And Bone By Tanith |
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| Comedy – re-written as a play. Characters – Ardeth-husband, Sue-wife, doctor, Phone-call –Imhotep, Ardeth and Sue run an east-end scrap business. Feedback – Yes Please Rated PG ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ |
| Ardeth is in bed and the doctor is there, having a look at his back. In the lounge, Sue is hovering and dusting at the same time. She stops the hover and takes out the full bag, as she does so, the bottom falls out, dust and dirt fall all over the clean floor. She goes to the settee and gets the dustpan and brush to sweep up the mess. In the kitchen the kettle whistles, she hurries to turn it off. Out of the sink, full of dirty dishes, she fishes out a teapot, puts tea in it and pours the water over it. She finds two mugs, lifts the teapot, leaving the bottom on the draining board and whatever tea is left, pours out. She takes it and throws it in the bin in the yard. As the bin is full, she stamps it down and puts the teapot on top. Sue picks up the milk off the doorstep on the way back in. the silver tops have holes in them and half the cream is gone. She looks at the sky and swears at the birds. Doctor: Mrs Bay, having a bit of trouble? Sue: Pardon me? Oh yes, the little devils. I left a lid out for the milkman to put on top of it but he never does. Doctor: May I have a word? Sue Certainly doctor, would you like a cup of tea? Doctor Yes I’d love one. Sue shows the doctor into the kitchen. Sue I hope you don’t mind the kitchen, the lounge looks like a motorway café at the moment. Doctor Yes, it’s a lot of work to do on your own – what with looking after Ardeth as well. Sue Yes you can say that again. I’m knackered. I believe we do have another teapot somewhere. She takes a novelty teapot down off the shelf and takes the lid off. Sue My gawd, what has he done in here? You never know in this house. You’d be surprised what he puts in them sometimes. Do sit down. She pulls a chair out and just manages to grab a half eaten jam sandwich off the seat. Sue Ah excuse me, you wouldn’t want to have that stuck to your trousers while doing your rounds. And how is Ardeth will he able to get up tomorrow. Doctor No I’m afraid not. Sue Oh how long do you think? Doctor It’s difficult to say, he might be in bed for some time. Sue What all day? I mean he can do a bit of graft, surely. Doctor I’m afraid not, not for a long while. Ardeth isn’t getting any younger. Sue Neither am I. Are you sure he’s not trying to swing the lead? Doctor Quite sure, he’s in great pain. Sue Only round his jaw. That’s the only thing that needs a rest. (mimics him) Do this, do that, gimme this, gimme that, get this, get that. (own voice) You tie a bandage under his chin, that’ll soon cure him. Doctor I know this must be very trying for you but I assure you that this time he isn’t well at all. Sue Oh, what’s wrong with him? Doctor It’s his back, he’s got some disc trouble. He’s in pain every time he moves. Sue He doesn’t move all that much at the best of times. Doctor The only effective remedy is rest. Sue How long? Doctor As I said, we don’t know. It could take days or weeks. Sue Weeks, I can’t look after him for weeks. I’ve got work to do. I’m shagged out when I get home as it is, I’m always falling asleep on the board, if the horse didn’t know the way home, we’d never get here some nights. Doctor I’m sorry Mrs Bay, there’s nothing we can do except wait. Sue hands him a mug of tea and some biscuits. Doctor Try and look on the bright side. Some of these things clear up over night. Just like that. (He snaps his fingers) Sue Not with him it won’t. He’ll hang it out. If’s he’s that bad he ought to be in hospital. That’s what I pay my stamps for, bung him in hospital, I don’t mind coming to see him. Doctor I’m afraid that is not possible. There is a terrible shortage of beds. Sue Bung him on the floor, if he’s got a bad back, it’ll be good for him, a nice hard floor. Doctor You don’t seem to be very sympathetic towards him. Sue Sympathetic? Look, I know him. He’s not as bad as he makes out. You say he’s ill – believe me, if you put him in hospital stretch him out on the floor, he’ll make the quickest recovery known to medical science. It’ll be a miracle cure. Like them Philipino doctors. Doctor It’s out of the question. We only make use of hospital beds in emergency. He can be looked after just as well at home. He may even recover quicker. Sue Don’t you believe it. Not while he’s got me on the move. He’ll try and get 6 months out of this. He’ll be sitting up there like the Cliph of Bagdad, rubbing his bleeding lamp, expecting me to appear every 5 minutes. Ardeth Sue, where’s that tea? Sue There you are, he’s started. Coming oh great one. Keep your turban on. There must be something you can do. Can’t you give him a shot of something – like a .44. Have you tried acupuncture, I’ve a tin of gramophone needles somewhere. Doctor No, bed rest is the only way. Bed rest and understanding. I’m afraid as he gets older this will happen to him more and more. You are just going to have to face it. He’s going to need constant attention. Sue You don’t have to spell it out. I can see it all, stretched out in front of me. I’ve seen it on the pictures. Plain, mousy, forty year old Jane Wyman devoting her life to nagging moaning miserable Dame Whittle. Only in them films someone used to come along, he’d take her glasses off, she’d let her hair down, the old bird would kick the bucket and they’d live happily ever after. Well that’s not going to happen to me, nobodies going to let my hair down, it’s fall out before he’s finished with me. Doctor I’ll pop in again in a few days. In the meantime, these are to ease the pain a bit. (he hands her a bottle of pills) Sue Thank you – how many do I take? Doctor They are for Ardeth. Ardeth Sue, where’s that tea? Sue You’d better give me some more, these won’t last long. Doctor Well I’ll leave it to you. Sue Well thank you very much, you have been a great help. Doctor I’ve done all I can. Sue I don’t know what I would have done without you. I suppose you’ll be off to Canada soon? Sliding across the old 48th parallel into the good old USA, getting in the back way, eh? Fifty grand a year. Doctor I beg your pardon. Sue Oh nothing, just a few bitter reArdeths. I can see what I’ve got coming that’s all. Good bye doctor. Doctor I’ll call Friday. Sue Thank you. The doctor leaves and Sue shuts the door and walks to the stairs. She stops at the bottom and starts counting. Sue One, two, three, four…….. Ardeth Sue, you don’t care about me do you? I’m ill. Sue nods and walks wearily up the stairs, singing as she goes. Sue Oh God, our help in ages past, our hope for years to come….. She gets to the top of the stairs and walks across the landing to Ardeths room and knocks on the door, still singing. Sue Our shelter from the stormy blast, a crutch to lean upon. Ardeth Hello? Sue Room service. She puts the tea on the trolley, puts a napkin over her arm and walks in. Ardeth Where the bleeding hell have you been? Sue Terribly sorry sir, theres trouble in the kitchen. Ardeth Never mind that, what did Crippen have to say. Don’t take any notice of him he’s a liar, I am ill. Sue Yes I know. Ardeth You know, what did he say? (looks worried) Sue He said you have a bad back. Ardeth I know I’ve a bad back. Sue Well then, shows what a good doctor he is. Ardeth I told him I had a bad back, I want to know why? Sue Lack of use, he said you’ve got to get out of bed and do the housework. Ardeth No he didn’t, he said to stay in bed, all the time, perhaps for weeks. Sue Yeah I know. Ardeth I’m not going to be a burden to you, honestly. I know you’ve a lot on…I know it’s going to be hard for you. But I’m not skiving honest I’m not. Sue I know Ardeth. Your pillows alright? Ardeth How are you going to manage? Sue I don’t know, but we will manage, we always do. Ardeth You are good to me Sue, I appreciate it I really do. Sue Now is there anything I can get you? Ardeth No, no I don’t want anything, I don’t want to bother you. Sue No that’s alright, I don’t mind, what do you want. Ardeth I don’t want to be any trouble. Sue I don’t mind, what do you want? Ardeth Well…..I could do with another cup of tea, this one has gone cold. Sue Yeah fine. (she goes out) Ardeth Sue. Sue Yes Ardeth. Ardeth Have the papers come? Sue Yes love. Ardeth Could you bring them up for me? Sue Yes love. Ardeth Oh… and Sue. Sue Yes Ardeth. Ardeth Do you think you could make a little sandwich. Sue Yes love, what would you like? Ardeth Oh anything I don’t mind, I don’t want to be any trouble. Sue Well let’s see, corned beef? Ardeth No. Sue Cheese and tomato? Ardeth No. Sue Peanut butter and pickles? Ardeth Ugh. Sue Well what do you want then? Ardeth I could go a nice sausage sandwich. Sue We haven’t any sausages. Ardeth Could you go out and get some? Sue No I- Yes alright then, I’ll go and get some. Ardeth Oh…. And Sue. Sue Yes Ardeth (getting angry). Ardeth I want to go to the bathroom. Sue I can’t do that for you, I’ll have to go out and get a milk bottle. Ardeth No that’s no good. Sue Oh gawd, we haven’t got a bedpan, I’ll have to go out and get one. Ardeth No, I can’t use them, I never could use them, you’ll have to carry me. Sue Carry you, you must be joking. Ardeth There and back. Sue There and back, three times a day. Come on then. Sue puts her arms round Ardeth, he slowly lifts himself out of bed and she half carries him out of the room. Ardeth Do you think you could bring the tv up? Sue Yes Ardeth. The hall, Sue helps Ardeth downstairs, to the bathroom. Ardeth And if you could pop down to the library, I want some books changed. Sue Yes Ardeth. Ardeth And then later on you can go round the off licence and back some beer. Sue Yes Ardeth. Ardeth Be careful, you’re hurting me Sue Sorry love. Ardeth This is very embarrassing for me Sue Sue It don’t do me no favours either. (sings) Oh god our help in ages past… Later, in the lounge, Sue is in her jeans and jacket, sprawled out on the sofa, fast asleep. She is holding a bag of groceries in one hand and some books in the other. It is obvious from the way she was laying she had collapsed from sheer exhaustion. She has not arranged herself in a comfortable position. In the bedroom, Ardeth is propped up against a pillow watching some wrestling on the tv which is on a table at the foot of the bed. He has a big bowl of fruit, books and on the bed is a open box of chocolates. The phone rings. Ardeth Hello – Oh hello Imhotep. Oh terrible. In agony I am. Every time I move…It’s been a fortnight now……Sue? No she’s hopeless, I haven’t seen her for half an hour. All she thinks about is herself…..yeah, I’d love to see you. This evening, fine….Oh whiskey, beer anything. I don’t mind, I’m easy. Eight, fine, lovely. Rick and Jonathan came round last night, they stayed a couple of hours. Got right Brahms and Liszt, we did. Rick brought a bird with him, about 50 she was, her old man just died. You can guess what from by the look of her. She said she’s coming round one night to puff up my pillows, no chance, not with my back. See you later. He puts the phone down, pushes the table away, wincing with pain, as he does so. He lies back on the pillow and yells Sue. Sue Coming, coming. She gets up, still carrying the shopping and books, sets off the wrong way, turns and goes down the hall, leaving the bags at the bottom of the stairs and goes up. Sue Sorry Ardeth, I’ve just come in from shopping. What was it you wanted? Ardeth Racing at Kempton. She switches the channels over on the tv. Ardeth Right that’s it, I’ll shout when I want you. Did you get my books from the library? Sue Yes, here they are. Sue hands them to Ardeth; he looks through them and tosses them aside. Ardeth Read it, read it, don’t like him, read it. Well that was a waste of time, now I have nothing to read. Sue I’ll go down and get some more, they don’t close yet. Ardeth Take that tray down, I hate the smell of food hanging around. Sue Did you like the steak? Ardeth Is that what it was, terrible, all gristle and garlic. You know I don’t like garlic. Sue I thought it would bring out the taste. Ardeth Well it didn’t and it was fried, you know I like it grilled. Sue The grills broken. Ardeth Well mend it, you’re not that useless are you? The peas were like bullets, if that’s the best you can do, don’t I’d rather starve. Sue I’ll do better tonight Ardeth; I’ve got you a nice bit of fish. Ardeth I don’t like fish, what is it? Sue Plaice. Ardeth Didn’t they have any Dover sole? Sue Yeah but it’s £5 a time. Ardeth Oh well if I’m not worth £5 when I am ill….I’ll make do with the plaice. Sue I’ll go back and get you a dover sole. Now is there anything else you want before I go back down. Ardeth No. Sue picks up the plates and carries them out of the room. Shuts the door. Ardeth Sue Sue Yes. Ardeth What’s the time. Sue Half past three. Ardeth Nearly tea-time. Sue I won’t forget. Ardeth Just in case. Sue leaves again. Ardeth Sue Sue (angry now) now what? Ardeth Have you been out on the round today? Sue No I haven’t. Ardeth Why not? Sue Because, if you recall, I have been down to the library, round to the fish shop, up to the off liceince, twice….down the chemists…round to the grocers and in between that, I have been up and down these stairs twenty-three times. And now I’m going out again. Ardeth Why? Sue To buy a hundred yards of rope. Ardeth What for? Sue I’m going to make a noose at one end and I’m going to put it round my neck and I’m going to put the other end in your hand and I would be grateful in future you don’t shout – just pull. That way I shall know when you want me and also it might help me get up the stairs a bit quicker. Believe me, them stairs are beginning to look like the north face of the Eiger. Ardeth Oh it’s wearing off, is it? I’m beginning to be a burden am I? Sue No white man ever had a bigger one. But rest assured I will not fail in my duty. Now please if you could refrain from wanting anything else for 15 minutes I would like to put my feet in water. Alright? (she leaves) Ardeth opens his mouth to shout, Just as he does so, Sue puts her head round the door and raises a warning finger. Sue Ah, ah, ah, shtum. She shuts the door and leaves. Ardeth is fed up and he tries to listen to the tv. Ardeth She’s turned the volume down; I can’t hear a bleeding thing. He tries to move to get up and turn up the tv, with every movement he winces with pain, suddenly he gives a loud yell. Then he realises that something has happened. His back has clicked back into place. He wriggles – no pain. He gets out of bed, he moves, no pain, he grins and dances about and jumps up and down. Sue Ardeth, how do you want your fish done? Ardeth Grilled with new potatoes. He pulls himself up and with an evil look on his face he gets back into bed. A week later, Sue goes into the kitchen with some shopping, she puts it away. Sue Oh cor, I could do with a beer……that’s funny. There were two lagers in there this morning. She rummages in the rubbish and picks out two empty cans. Sue I didn’t have them and I shouldn’t think the horse has had them, so that leaves….that horizontal ponce upstairs. Which also accounts for the last weeks gradual disappearance of all the pink ones in my liquorice allsorts. A look of hatred comes across her face. Ardeth Sue, Sue, is that you? Sue goes and stands by the kitchen door, as Ardeth calls again Sue shakes her head. She listens and takes the shopping into the pantry with her and closes the door. The kitchen door opens and in comes Ardeth and looks around and then goes out again. Sue comes out of the pantry; Ardeth goes into the lounge and pours himself a drink, then goes to the sweets and pops one in his mouth. Sue is watching him all the time. He goes out into the hall and up the stairs. Sue emerges, opens the front door and slams it, then starts to sing. Sue What kind of fool am I? She goes to the foot of the stairs and starts counting, she gets to four. Ardeth Sue, is that you? Sue Yes Ardeth, I won’t be five minutes. Ardeth is lying back on the bed when Sue comes in with a tray covered with a cloth. Sue How are you feeling? Ardeth Not so good Sue, It’s getting worse, I think I am going to be here a long time. Sue I’m sorry, never mind this will make you feel better. She brought the tray over and puts it on the table next to the bed. Ardeth What’s this? Have you cooked me something nice for tea? Egg, sausage and bacon is it? Sue Yeah you’d like that wouldn’t you? Ardeth Yeah. Sue And some bread and butter pudding? Ardeth Oooh yeah smashing and some cheese. Sue Big bit or little bit? Ardeth Oh I’ll have a big bit and with some pickled onions and four slices of bread and butter. Sue Yeah and two cans of lager and half a pound of liquorice allsorts, pink ones. Ardeth Eh? Sue You can have all that later. But first….you are going to have a blanket bath. She whips off the cover, underneath is a bowl of hot water and a big bottle of surgical spirit. Ardeth A bath? Sue That’s right, because you’re a dirty little old man aren’t you?..You’ve been in bed for ages now, haven’t you and you haven’t had a proper bath have you? And most important we mustn’t let you get bedsores, must we? She dips the cloth in the water and slaps the cloth in Ardeths face and rubs it hard, Ardeth chokes and gasps. Ardeth No Sue, I haven’t any bedsores. Sue A little bum like yours is highly susceptible, surgical spirit, that’s the stuff. She pours surgical spirit on the cloth and throws Ardeth over on his side. Sue lifts Ardeths nightshirt and rubs his backside with the cloth. Ardeth yells and wriggles. She pours more spirit onto his backside. Ardeth Aahh, stop it, mind me goolies. He leaps out of bed and jumps up and down, yelling in agony. Sue My God, the saints be praised, a miracle cure, they’ll turn us into a grotto, a grotty grotto. Ardeth runs from the room and down the stairs and out into the yard. Ardeth You rotten little bleeder – I’m on fire. Sue Up your pipe. As Sue runs outside after him, Ardeth has got the hosepipe and turning it on stuffs it up his nightshirt amid cries of relief. Ardeth holds himself, jumping up and down. Sue finally turns off the water. Last seen being chased by Ardeth down the road. |