Chapter 2

            As the door closed, Laila looked up at Ahmed who had not stopped pacing to sit down.  “I know that you’re pissed, but I know you’re also scared.”  She knew that honestly she was scared too, she was scared she would make trouble for him, she was scared that this trouble would not stop with just him and herself, but that it would carry over to her family. Mainly she was scared that she was going to loose Ahmed, that no matter how much they loved each other, no matter how much they wanted to be together that these men, and the CIA would stop them from being together.  Laila figured that her family was relatively safe, she had kept them clueless as to who Ahmed really was and what he did.  Laila had known in her heart that the least amount that they knew about the man she loved, the safer they would be.  So, as much as it had killed her inside, she had lied to her parents as to who Ahmed was.  She had stuck as close to the truth as she could, with out giving too much away.  She told them he was an FBI agent working on a SWAT team based out of the city.  All the same, Laila did realize and understand that if it came down to it that the CIA would have no problem getting rid of her or him. She looked up at him as he was pacing back and forth, making her more nervous and antsy than she had been before, finally she couldn’t take it any more; “Sit, please sit down baby.”

            Ahmed slowly sank into a chair across the table, slightly stiffening and grimacing as the cool plastic of the chair touched his bareback. She watched his smooth olive toned skin as the muscles tightened from the chair meeting warm bare skin. Sometimes at night she simply watched as he slept, his normally tight muscles finally relaxed as his mind shut down for sleep.  At those times she could see the little boy he must have been, she could see the innocence in his face, the intense scowl of concentration was finally gone at times to be replaced by a smile, at others to be replaced with a pure relaxed look of peace. At those times he simply was relaxed, he was Ahmed. Everything about him held her fascinated, his smooth skin, the brown eyes that were almost black when he concentrated or glowing golden when he was happy, and the small smile that he saved only for her, when he thought that she wasn’t looking.  She knew every inch of this man, she had known him for many months and Laila had loved Ahmed for just as long. It seemed that from the first time their eyes had met that she had known she loved him. His back she knew, was the owner of two scars, one that he got from being shot, the other was from a knife that had torn into his side.  Laila’s eyes searched Ahmed’s face looking for any sign, anything that would tell her what she should do.  Finally their eyes met, and stayed locked.  He broke down and smiled first, “Sweetie, are you okay?  I know this is hard, and I wish that it had never happened…” She returned his smiled slowly and hesitantly.

            “Baby, I’m fine…a bit scared but what would you have expected?  I’m not quite used to sitting in a room with men that have guns pointed at me.  I guess that flipping off the Federal Building wasn’t that great of an idea, huh?”  Laila attempted to make a joke and she flashed him a million dollar smile, but her smile weakened a bit as Ahmed’s face darkened a bit, she was unsure what to say.  Sighing in frustration she tried again to explain, “Ahmed, what do you want me to say? That I like them?  That I like what is happening to me?  Well I don’t!  I hate this, I haven’t done anything…I’m innocent.  Hell, I don’t even know what it is that they think that I’ve done for sure.  Because the only thing I can think of is, that I’m guilty of loving you, but that’s it.  So could you please just tell me what it is that you want me to do.”

            Ahmed smiled at her, and she could tell that he was trying hard not to laugh.  “That’s why I love you Lai, always strong until the end, putting up that hard, tough exterior, when underneath it all, you still have a little bit of the scared, shy country girl.”  His smiled faded when he saw her face start to break and her eyes fill with tears, “baby, when I say the end, I am not saying that it’s the end of us, simply this is it, the end of the game.  We have to tell them the truth, we cannot lie anymore.” She regarded him silently for a moment, her heart was breaking from fear, even though he was stating that it wasn’t an end to them, Laila still had that sinking feeling that everything was spinning out of control, and that she was loosing him, with no way of saving what their lives were. 

            Laila was fighting to keep calm to not break down and cry, to not start yelling, and she just couldn’t make herself return his smile, “So what are you trying to say Ahmed?  That after all of this, all the times we’ve snuck around, all of the hiding in the   shadows, all of the lies I’ve told to my family, and my friends, now I have to tell the truth?”  Laila stood and began pacing, trying to control her temper.  From the day she had found out what Ahmed did for a living she had been sworn to secrecy, and being careful and hiding the truth. And she had kept that promise faithfully, no one knew the truth about Ahmed, and sometimes she wondered if she really did, if it wasn’t a dream that had come to her one night, and she had simply kept holding on to it out of desperation.  “Not only do I have to tell the truth now, I have to tell it to two men who I don’t know, and that I sure as hell don’t trust. What do you want me to tell my family?  What do you expect me to tell these men?  The truth?” her voice took on a hard bitter edge and the tone of it was high and she could feel herself fighting for some bit of control and her last bit of sanity.  “That’s a joke, because you know what?  I don’t even know what the truth is anymore!  I am sick of playing games, but damn it please try and understand…I do not know the truth. I don’t know for sure that everything you tell me is true and I’ve always accepted that fact readily and without question.  I understand that there are things that you simply cannot talk about.  But I don’t want to do this, I can’t sit here and tell them that the man I love works for them and does things that I can’t even begin to comprehend.  I do not want to admit the truth that I know what you do for a living. I don’t know how to tell them what the truth is. How can I tell them anything, when I don’t understand it myself?” The whole time she was ranting she could feel Ahmed’s eyes on her but she couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes for fear of breaking down. Laila knew that if she looked into his eyes that it would mean loosing that last bit of control she had over herself she knew she would end up loosing the fight not to cry.

            “So what are you saying Laila?”  When he began to speak she was finally able to meet Ahmed’s eyes   “That ‘gee I love you, but I can’t accept this anymore’?  That’s not fair baby, you have known that I work for them for a long time, and you had no problem accepting this until now…so what is it that makes you have a problem now?”  Ahmed was hurting, she could tell by the calm, clinical almost dead tone to his voice.  He was beyond anger, he was hurting, but he was scared, she hated to hurt him, but she hated this feeling of dread, and not knowing what was going to happen next even more. She knew, in her mind and heart, she knew that he was feeling these same fears and hurts just as much as she was, but still she couldn’t relent.  She had to make sure he understood that she did love him, and that she didn’t want to loose him, and yet she just didn’t know how to save it at this point.  She watched him fidget in his chair as if he wanted desperately to stand and take her in his arms and hold her, and a part of her wanted desperately for him to do that.  If he held her, then everything would fade away, if even for that moment and she would feel safe again.

            Laila returned to her seat sinking into it, she hung her head, feeling guilty.  “Ahmed, that’s not what I’m saying.  I knew what you did, and I accepted it, because I love you.  But baby, I don’t want to feel like some dirty little secret anymore, that’s not fair to me.” He shot her a look and took a deep breath holding it before saying anything “You are not a dirty secret Laila, and you know that!  It was never like that.  Everything I have done in that sense, in keeping you hidden, in keeping you away from all of this was to protect you.  I love you more than anything in this world, and I want to shout if from the roof tops, but I can’t.  Don’t you understand baby how much that hurts me too?” She paused fighting to keep her breathing under control from the effort of not letting herself cry before she began again. “I know that Ahmed, but at the same time, it’s how it feels sometimes.  Can you understand what I’m saying?” He nodded slowly at her, his eyes softening as he reached across the table and took her hand in his, gently caressing the back of her hand with his thumb as he waited for her to continue.  She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand before continuing. “Baby, that’s just as much what my problem is right now, as much as I wanted to say ‘hell yes, he’s mine, and I love him’ just now, I cannot.  Because, just as much as I want to tell them what they want to know, I am scared of what tomorrow will bring.  I knew just as much as you did the risks we were taking, I mean how could I not have known?”  With a final squeeze she let go of his hand and continued to explain herself.  “You told me time and again what it was we were risking.  How many times did you give me some example or some warning Ahmed?  I mean think about it, how many times did you tell me if any one asked me any questions about you to be as vague as possible, get my ass out of there and then tell you what had happened?  How many times did you point out scenes in certain movies where the cops would bust someone at different times and say that could happen to me? Do you really think I didn’t know the risks I was taking in loving you?” Laila stopped again, glaring at Ahmed as if daring him to say she was wrong, but he remained silent as if sensing that this was something she needed to get out.  “Still I thought, maybe just maybe there will be the happily ever after.  But these men, they scare me.  They can take it away just like that.  They can make you disappear or make me disappear.” Laila paused, pulling her hair back from her face and holding it there as she tried to steady her ragged breathing.  “I think that the reality is just starting to hit, and I am scared.  All I know is this fact and I want you to know it.  No matter what happens Ahmed, I love you, and I will always stand by your side, please don’t ever doubt that.  I just don’t want to hurt you or do anything that will cause them to hurt you.”

            Green eyes met brown as the two silently weighed their options.  Each was lost in thought and in a different time and place.  Ahmed was trying desperately to think of the future and what was going to happen to them.  He knew that chances were that this would not end today, that their lives would never be the same after this morning, and he felt guilty that a part of him was relieved.  He had been waiting for the entire time that he was dating Laila for this to happen, and worried about what would happen when it did, and now that it was happening a part of him felt as if a great weight had been lifted.  Laila was stuck thinking about the future and what would happen weeks down the road, not just what would happen when they left here today, or when she got to work in the morning, but what would happen when she realized months down the road that everything had changed and she no longer had him.  As much as it hurt her to do it, a part of her was steeling herself for the inevitable pain she knew she would feel when that happened, and was trying to decide if she would be able to survive that.  Until now, she had never contemplated what her life would be like without him in it. At the same time, there was a part of her that was finding herself admitting that it was good this was happening now, she had spent so much of the past months looking into every shadow, into being wary of strangers, and worrying about this event, that now she could feel herself starting to relax. “I know what you’re saying, and I understand why you’re afraid baby.  But Laila, don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself…it’s you that I’m worried about. Lai, you’re right when you say they can make us disappear, but they’re not going to do that to me, but you they wouldn’t hesitate if that was what they were told to do.  I’m not saying this to scare you more; I’m just trying to make sure you understand what is going on.  You can’t keep playing with them like this, if you keep this up and don’t give them the answers they want, people are going to start getting pissed.  So please baby, if not for yourself, at least for my sanity.”

            Laila sighed and looked up at him, her face that had been red and blotchy from the tears, and the effort not to cry had gone pale as Ahmed had been talking.  “Great, that’s just bloody wonderful, isn’t it?  Ahmed damn it, I don’t fucking care anymore.  The only thing I’m sure of is that I love you, and that I’d do anything you ask me to do.  If you want me to talk, I’ll talk, if you want me to keep quiet or lie, that’s what I’ll do.  I just don’t want to get you hurt, that’s all.”

            Ahmed smiled at Laila, his brown eyes were soft and filled with amusement, “Oh God Lai, I almost feel bad for Lewis and Garcia, those two are going to have a hell of a time with you.  Baby, just talk to them, and don’t worry about me, okay?  I promise you I’ll be fine.”  His voice held a hint of amusement in it, and despite the circumstances she couldn’t help but return his smile. Slowly he reached across the table and cupped her face in his hand, “I love you, no matter what happens, no matter what they do, always remember that.  My love for you is strong and forever.”  The tears that had been threatening to spill from Laila finally broke free. He sighed as he leaned back hating what he had to say next. Ahmed had only seen Laila actually break down and cry twice before, once when she was telling him about her sister who had died, and the other when she was saying goodbye before leaving the city.  Each time had torn at his heart and made him love her more, and each time he had simply wanted to hold her and never let her cry again. Now he knew that the thing he wanted to do most, to hold her until she stopped crying, was the one thing he couldn’t do.  He would have to leave her sitting there in her pain. “I’ve got to leave you for right now baby, they’ll be back in a few minutes…I don’t want you to fight them, tell them what makes you feel comfortable, but remember that they probably already know everything.”

            “Where will you be? Please don’t leave me here, I…Ahmed I need you” the pain in her voice was tearing Ahmed apart inside. He had never seen her this torn up before, he had never seen her this broken and defeated that she would actually admit that she needed him.  Always before she had been silent in her pain, and had kept a tough exterior.  He knew she loved him, and that she did need him, but he had never heard her tell him that she needed him.  From the moment he fell in love with Laila, he had known that she was pretty much independent, and that was part of what he loved about her.

            Laila knew that she had never told Ahmed that she needed him before this, and that it had to be killing him that now, when she was admitting it, that he could not be there with her, he walked around the table, and knelt in front of her.  He cupped her face in both of his hands; “Laila I won’t be too far away, just right outside baby.  Trust me when I say you’re strong enough to do this, I know you are.  I’ll be able to hear everything and if you need me I’ll be in here in a heart beat, but they’re not going to let me in while they ask you questions.”  With that Ahmed slowly left the room.  When he ran into Garcia, the older of the men who had been questioning Laila, he grabbed him by the shirtfront and put him against the wall.  “If you hurt her, I swear to God I will make you disappear you stupid son of a bitch. Now here is what you’re going to do: you are going to give her a few minutes to calm down, and then you are going to go in there and start all over again, no guns this time.”

            Just as Laila had calmed down and stopped crying, she heard the door open quietly behind her.  Quickly she wiped away the last traces of tears and took a deep shaky breath. No matter what, no matter how much she told them, she would not let them see her cry, she knew that she would never let that happen. “Ms Bryce?  Are you able to continue now?”  Calmly, almost defeated Laila looked up and met Garcia’s gray eyes.  Slowly she nodded.  “Look, honey I’m sorry about before, but you have to understand that there is a lot riding on this, some of the big boys are not too happy about this.” Laila sighed and shook her head, “I don’t really give a damn if the big boys are happy or not.  All I want is for this to be over, I want the games done, I want the lies and secrecy to be over.”

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Slipping Further Away – Chapter 3